Heard at the office...

I work in a place where ideas are our product and creativity is our tool. This means that we wear whatever we damn well please and talk about movies all day.

Anyway, these are some of the more memorable things that have graced these ears.

1
COLLEAGUE 1: Do you wanna get dinner?
COLLEAGUE 2: No thanks. I had lunch already.

2
Wait, lemme get an ashtray. Oh, right...there's the floor.

3
Sometimes, when clients talk to me, I space out. And think about shopping.

4
COLLEAGUE 1: Do you wanna be a talent for this shoot?
COLLEAGUE 2: No thanks, not good-looking enough.
COLLEAGUE 1: It's ok. We're not looking for good looking people.

5
(Someone tasked with designing a sticker for a car)
I need to know how big the hood is so I can do the sticker.

(The person briefing him picks up a tiny picture of the car and puts a ruler to it)
Umm...30mm.

6
(to tech support)
It asked me to put in disc 2, so i did. But it doesn't work.

(He/she actually put the second disc on the top of the first and closed the tray. Who i heard it from swears this happened. The identity of the colleague remains a mystery.)

7
(Another call to tech support)
COLLEAGUE: I tried to open a powerpoint file, but the computer won't let me.

Tech Support: I checked the file. Looks fine. Try again.

COLLEAGUE: Still can't open it.

(Tech support walks over to colleagues cubicle.)
Tech Support: Now, show me exactly how you open it.

(COLLEAGUE uses Microsoft Word and tries to open the Powerpoint file.)
COLLEAGUE: See?
(His/her identity is also a mystery.)

Life is stranger than fiction.

Use your right brain. Your OTHER right brain.

A few days ago, someone asked me something along the lines of "do you live in an imaginary world?"

Does this count?


(By the way, this looks like a great opportunity to plug my bands:

Superbar
www.superbarmusic.com
www.myspace.com/superbar

Lied
www.liedmusic.com
www.myspace.com/lied

Check 'em out. Thanks!)

Intro scene from a flick I'd write

All of my movie buff friends know I'm a huge Kevin Smith fan. Chasing Amy is the best love story ever made. Anyway, here goes...

EXT. HOUSE BALCONY - DAY

Jim and Bob, two twentysomethings, are having smokes on the balcony of a suburban house. MTV is blaring in the background. Jim reaches for an ashtray, while Bob takes a drag off his fag.

JIM
I saw Mike the other day. You'd never guess what he told me.

BOB
What? That fucker's always got a lot to say. We used to call him "the artist". Remember? So clever at making things up. Out of thin air.

JIM
Yeah, I know. But this one's for real. He told me someone we both know is an A cup.

Bob stubs out his ciggie while simultaneously reaching for another one.

BOB
So? "A cups" are people too, you know.

JIM
I just expected more. I'd always thought she was a C. Ok, at least a B, la...

BOB
That's why. Technology nowadays...sigh. But you can tell. You just have to pay attention. I was playing 'truth or dare' with a couple of friends last night. This chick I just met, it was her turn and she picked 'truth'. So I asked her cup size.

JIM
And?

BOB
She said B. I was thinkin', man...no fucking way she was a B. But she stuck to her story. What the fuck could I say, right? This is 'truth or dare'. She's supposed to tell the truth. But she cheated. Bitch.

JIM
How did you know for sure she wasn't telling the truth?

BOB
Dude, you're a face guy. Me? I'm a tits guy.

JIM
Very true.

BOB
I know these things. But anyway, awhile later, I asked her best friend. Just purely for confirmation. She was an A, man.

JIM
(laughing and coughing up a billow of smoke)
Well, what the hell did you expect her to say?

BOB
Bitch was lying through her teeth. And she knew that I knew. Girls do it all the time.

JIM
Ok, so let's say it was her turn to ask you. And she asked you how long your dick was, what would you say?

Pauses and thinks about his final anwer for all of 5 seconds while lighting yet another cigarette.

BOB
7 inches.

Cue loud cock rock, a la The Darkness.

Lyric of the Hour: Tool, "Vicarious"

excerpts from "Vicarious"
by Tool
from "10,000 Days"

Eye on the the TV
'Cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavor
It happens to be

Cause I need to watch things die from a distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
YOU ALL NEED IT TOO, DON'T LIE

Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
Neither the brave nor bold
Will write as the story's told
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing

You all feel the same, so...

Why can't we just admit it?

Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I





Astro, anyone?

If you can't beat 'em, join Friendster.

Until a month ago, I said I'd never join Friendster. I never understood blogs. I rarely logged in to MSN.

Now, my life is exactly the same as it was before. Minus 4 hours of sleep every day.

What the appeal of all these "virtual" friendsterships is, I still don't understand. But I'm sitting here waiting for my laundry, writing a damn blog, of all things. Will wonders never cease.

You see, I write for a living. And though I love it, I can't be bothered to come home...and write some more. It's like a male gynaecologist (however you spell it) coming home to see his wife with her legs sprawled wide open. "Not another one."

Sigh...indeed.

Anyway "Chicken Chop for the Soul" is not supposed to be good for you. It will fatten you. It will put harmful thoughts in your body.

But you'll probably look at it when it's handed to you and say "steam...".

I hope.